This popped up on my facebook feed this week. As with most of my blog posts, they tend to be photo captions that end up TL;DR.
(convenient for some, because they don’t even have to click the link in order to be shamed for not reading my long ass caption)
You, however, get the good stuff.
So, lets see. September of 2017. My ex had just left in mid- August. At the time of this photo, she was just getting back to New York after our break up, already making a baby with the guy she cheated on me with.
ha.
I can’t look at that kid and not think that she was conceived by one person who said “I don’t want to get married and settle down. I want to be 19 forever” and a guy, who less than 1 year prior looked me in the eyes and said “I will never come between you and [your wife] again” before the Nevada dust had even been washed off her truck, and our ‘secret’ divorce had even been initiated. By November she would be pregnant. (19 forever, huh?)
The real good stuff….
Anyway, her brother Alex, and his now fiancé Kristin flew out to Las Vegas. Partially because they love to travel, and partially, they wanted to cheer me up after his sister (in my eyes) left me alone in a desert.
I got to thinking where I was back then. How hurt. How in shock I was.
- we met in elementary school
- went to college together
- total power couple
- got secretly married 1 year before the wedding date
- I gave up applying to Officer school in the Navy
- 5 year relationship
- moved to Nevada together
- Saving money for an Adirondack wedding in 2 months
OH WAIT
Remember how she made a couple drunken mistakes during your relationship? (once was after you got engaged) Well, turns out that’s actually a real problem. No wedding, you’re single now. She’s moving back to New York, taking your dog and cat with her. You also turn 30 in 3 months. Here’s Tinder. The closest town that actually has women is an hour’s drive away. Good luck!
When I saw that post, I started to think, what would I say to that person, who just drove 8 hours down to Vegas to pick up his now ex brother in law and girlfriend from the airport, if I could?
If I could open up a window, and Matt from 2017 could see me now, dirt bike racer, adventure traveler, AE1 reservist…. and I could tell him something. What would I say?
I’d like to say something like this:
“Yea. It *is* going to be okay. You know this now. I knew this 5 years ago, and you were right. It will be okay.”
But….. that’s actually not okay. If that makes sense:
“You know that it’s going to be okay, because if you really look. If you take some time to meditate, look deep down inside of yourself, reflect on your life… your childhood. If you truly think about your past, and all of the things you’ve seen sooner than you should have, experienced things you weren’t ready for, then some stupid drunken woman cheating on you for the fourth time and then leaving like…. Oh I dunno… she’s done to every, single, boyfriend she’s had her entire fucking life, is actually…. not all that bad. OF COURSE it’s going to be fucking okay. You’ve hardened your heart and stiffened your back to brace for things that haven’t even fucking happened yet, because you’ve seen so many things you weren’t ready for. Do you want some advice I wish I had 5 years ago? Start talking to a therapist Now. Start working on these issues now. Also, invest in bitcoin.”
That’s what I’d say. Man. I’d be rich.
If you can’t tell, I’ve been working hard on myself. I haven’t even brushed the surface. I believe I had a decent childhood. Not terribly hard. Sure, it wasn’t easy, but is any kids’ childhood all that easy?
It was worse than you’d think. It was worse than I thought.
Please. I don’t blame my parents. That’s not what this is about. It isn’t. Not my father. Not my mother. Very important. Every parent ever is constantly second- guessing themselves, or questioning if they could have done better, and frankly, the answer is Sure! Of course! You can always do better. But the only thing you have to do is your best. I believe my parents did their best, and I love them for that. I am grateful for my parents being there to see me become the man I’ve become.
How does the saying go? Smooth seas never made a skilled sailor…
But I can be better. I can go back and do the work and face the dangers that nature has forced me to overcome to survive this world. I can look inside myself, and find the parts of me I had to let go back then, and ask them to rejoin me now. I can open that window, and talk to who I was 25 years ago, not just 5 years ago, and tell them…
It ended up okay. It was always going to be okay. We turned out alright. You can come out now. You were weak and scared then, when I cast you out. Open your eyes and take my hand. I let you go so long ago in order for me to become strong enough to make it through these hard times, but I need you now. I need who you are, to help me become who I need to be now. We have work to do together.
Its not surprising that the issues and struggles had that weekend with Alex and Kristin are not unlike many of the underlying issues that have plagued me my entire life, especially so since I rejoined the single world. I won’t dive into details, but reflecting back has really opened my eyes to the connection between the things I saw when I was a child, the fears I had of losing her the entire time I was with her, and the values and desires I’ve identified since.
Not to be all mystical and shit, but its all connected.
I’m getting back into writing more. Hopefully more to come. I’m still racing, I’m still trying to get my [rally] ducks in a row. But with this work I’m doing, this person I’m becoming, I hope to bring that change out from within, and attack my goals and live to my values in the most authentic version of my whole self.
Maybe I’ll invite Alex and Kristin back out to Vegas to celebrate.
Stand On It 