Life Update: I’ve been feeling pretty depressed this summer. Dating, finances, general health, the death of my mother, the weight of my life as it sits brought me pretty low late July to early August.
I kept having dreams of calling my mom on the phone. HIEE Honeyyyyyy I’d hear in my dreams. I’d force myself awake trying to tell her how much I missed her through tears.
Which, if you know me, is weird because I didn’t have the best relationship with her. Wasn’t bad. But it wasn’t great. IDFK. Whatever. Call your mother.
I wasn’t working out for my own fitness anymore. It wasn’t for racing. I was purely going to attempt to replace emotional pain with physical pain from lifting. And it still wasn’t often enough.
Then, at the very depths of my depression, I managed to sell my RV, a 7 thousand pound, 32 thousand dollar weight I’ve been carrying for about a year now. Sold. Gone. I watched a very nice couple tow it away into the sunset. Which, to be clear, was a huge relief and a major win as far as my goals to be more financially responsible.
People asked me if I got what I wanted for it. “yes,” I joked. “I got it the f*ck out of my driveway!”
Selling the massive Toy Hauler was a major emotional and financial hurdle. Buying it was a mistake, as I couldn’t really afford the monthly payment and ungodly embarrassing interest rate in the first place. Throw in some deep rooted early childhood insecurity, and giving up a backup home on wheels was HARD.
Not just giving it up. As if it was that easy. No, I had to actively try and convince friends, family, and strangers to give me tens of thousands of dollars for this massive liability I wish I could have kept and loved for myself.
When it came down to comparing the bank note with the offering price, I factored in the cost of tempting myself with keeping it every single time I looked at it, and struggling to make the payment for the next 15 years. I gladly sold it for a financial loss in exchanged for the future financial freedom.
I hit the bottom one Friday midday when a random song came on while I was riding to lunch, and I had to pull the bike over bc I was bawling into my helmet. I think I realized that my mom was in my dreams so much because she was always there for me when I needed a break. The hardest days of my childhood, when my dad would push us just a little too hard, she was there, making sure we got a moment to rest.
My constant dreams about my mom was her reminding me that I needed a break. I was ignoring her. I kept pushing, and I sold my toy hauler the following Tuesday.
I’ve since come to associate, at least in my mind, feelings of depression with growth. It feels like your brain resists change of any kind, and will do whatever it takes to maintain peace and comfort.
It doesn’t matter how long its been. A week, a month, or even years. (shut up. I don’t even like that show) wherever you are in your life, if you find some sort of comfort or shelter, your brain will try to keep you there. Even if it’s not where you want to be, or if it’s actually detrimental in the long run. Your brain seeks out comfort.
Growth is not comfort. Growth is change. Change is scary. Your brain, in its quest for self preservation, will make you depressed to keep you down. A last ditch effort to hold your feet to the floor to keep you from taking that leap.
I want to be clear. I have no idea wtf I’m doing. I’m just documenting how I’m feeling and what I’m doing and the observations I’ve made based on that. This is how I’m rationalizing it so it makes some fucking sense.
I lifted the weights. Now those muscles hurt. Why do they hurt? I did the thing to make the muscles stronger. Well, I guess they hurt and that’s a sign that I made them stronger. Cool. I guess that’s just how it works.
I sold the toys. I saved the money. I ate the good foods and drank the water and deleted my stupid dating apps and went to bed early and woke up early and moved my body and now my brain is sad and lonely. Why do I feel this way? Well, I guess it feels this way and that’s a sign that I made myself better.
Cool. I guess that’s just how it works.
I’m not just whining here. I’m trying to offer hope to people that may also be struggling with depression, especially as we go into the darker, sadder months.
If you are attempting to make positive changes in your life. It’s not specific to my issues, but if you’re trying to be better, and it feels like life is getting heavier and harder to continue with, its possible you have Brain DOMS!
DOMS is a working out term. Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness. Like when you workout on Monday and then Tuesday and maybe even Wednesday you feel fine, but then getting out of bed Thursday is pretty much impossible?
Yea. The mental version of that. You deep cleaned your house. You blocked that ex. You skipped that starbucks order today and made coffee at home. Go you! The next week? LIFE IS PAIN AND SUFFERING AND I DON’T WANNA LIVE ANYMORE.
Depression is your brain telling you to text your ex because you did that everyday for the last 3 months. Or wanting to go shopping to get over a bad day. Or just general feelings of absolute dread as we enter cuffing season and your IG feed is full of couples doing cool couples things and you’re…. not.
It’s supposed to hurt. No supplement or pill or technique or thing can make muscle soreness go away after working out. (Don’t talk to me about stretching. You should be doing that anyway) Likewise, feeling sad may just be a part of getting better.
Eventually, the fever breaks. You see the wonderful habits you’ve built and the life you’ve created for yourself and the clothes start to fit better and you can absolutely be proud of yourself!
I, for one, can see across my street because my front window isn’t full of RV I can’t afford.
I’ve still got work to do. Needles to move, as my good friend puts it.
And those feelings of depression creep back in. But rather than fighting them off with sugar and snacks and bad habits, I welcome the feelings as a sign of progress. I’m doin the thing, and it feels good to feel bad.
PS: I’m going to say this now, and I probably haven’t said it enough, but this is important:
If you know you feel this way sometimes, and you start feeling that way again, and you’ve been known to act irrational, please implement systems to keep yourself safe. If you feel like you are losing the battle, reach. the fuck. out. Call me. Call your family. Call a professional. Remind yourself, in the most effective way you can, to not make permanent solutions to temporary problems.
I made an appointment with a therapist. I talk to my friends and I make sure they know what’s going on with me. If I feel like I’m slipping, I park the bike. I don’t take chances or make big decisions. It’s no different from riding when you know there’s ice out or taking that sketchy trail when you’re alone. If you know you’re at risk, Don’t. Take. The. Risk.
Okay. Disclaimer is out there. What I’m describing is feelings of depression. Slightly bummed, not full on making plans and imagining your demise. There’s a difference between feeling hurt and being injured. If you’re sore from working out, embrace that. It’s a sign of progress. If you pull a muscle and can’t hold a bottle of water, that’s injured.
I hope the working out metaphor is hitting.
–Stand On It
Stand On It 