The Stale Crow

Okay okay okay. My facebook post was a little rushed and not *quite* representative of how I truly feel.

You’ve been there. Something exciting happens like your daughter is born and the only thing you can think of to say is

“great, can we get breakfast now?”

-my dad, when my little sister was born

Anyway.

SOOOOOOO FUCKING GLAD I DONT HAVE TO TAKE THE EXAM ANYMORE 

So, in the navy reserves, its basically the same as you’ve heard: “one weekend a month, 2 weeks a year” but that’s minimum. Like any job, if you want to get ahead, you gotta do more than the minimum. So the nature of my unit, is that we don’t all activate and deploy and show up at the same times. It’s very individualistic. I show up whenever its convenient for both the squadron and for me.

And yes, despite my seemingly constant complaining, I enjoy it. I use the reserves almost as much as they use me. If I need an escape from everyday life, I’ll shave my face, get a haircut, and hop on a plane and go south/ east for a few weeks. I’m sure you’ve seen the photos I post from Key West, Virginia Beach, Northwest Washington. Part of those “god you’re always traveling!” or “wow do you ever work?!” comments that I love sooo much 🙄 is paid for by the Navy Reserves.

But anyone that talks to me on a regular basis will recall my complaints: its a colossal pain in the ass. Its a very tedious process that, frankly, doesn’t work out more often than it does. It constantly gives you a bad case of whiplash. Sign up for orders, jump through every hoop, dot every i, cross every T, tell your civilian job you’re leaving, pack your things, and then show up to the airport only to find out your orders got canceled, funding never got approved, someone forgot to do their job, these are all real examples I’ve dealt with in the past 10… holy shit. Ten years…. in the reserves.

Oh, and that one weekend a month thing? Ughhhhhh. 🙄

Active duty guys: its literally everything you hated about being in the military, and none of the things you loved about being in the military. It’s like safety stand down/ death by powerpoint Every. Single. Month.

No airplanes. No guns. No tanks. Just….. Don’t drink and drive, Don’t sexually assault anyone, and also don’t kill yourself. On repeat.

Also, start drinking water. I need you to pee into this cup….

Haha… I just reread all of that. Reads a lot like my facebook post.

My dad is a professional at complaining about things. I’ve absolutely inherited his ability to see the worst/funniest/ glass half empty-est thing about any situation. My super human ability to critique and roast my coworkers at my civilian job proves this.

But like I tell him, you can’t complain about driving a semi truck for the better part of 30 years and then tell me you don’t actually like doing it. No one would do the same job for 30 straight years (I think actually it’s closer to 40 at this point?) if they didn’t enjoy it, even if parts of it actually suck.

Ten Years.

“You can’t complain about being a Navy Reservist for the better part of 10 years and then tell me you don’t actually like doing it.”

Me. Basically. Just now ☝

Ok. I can feel what’s going through some of your minds right now. “okay, this is the part where he turns into a moto zombie and talks about how great the Navy is just because he got promoted. Next thing you know he’ll have rank stickers on his truck and start exclusively wearing 1 size too small Ranger Up t-shirts”

Don’t get it twisted, fucker. I’ve been disgruntled and pissed off about the Navy since 2008. I have no intentions of putting on anchors. Zero. Never have, Never will. Read it again if you’re unsure. Sorrynotsorry.

There’s a lot about the military I despise. The Chief’s Mess is one of them.

This is my page, so I get to speak my mind. There’s a little X in the top right corner of the screen if you don’t like it.

I just looked it up. Remember up there where I was talking about doing more than the minimum? Since 2011 when I joined the reserves, despite covid, orders getting canceled, funding not approved, whiplash, divorce, racing, traveling, and all things considered, I’ve done 361 days in uniform not counting drill weekends. That’s an average of 36 days a year, not including the orders I have scheduled for the rest of this year. (because I’ve definitely learned not to count it until I actually make it there.)

So that’s, spread out over 10 years, double the minimum “2 weeks a year” required. I’ve done 90 days at once, I’ve done 3 days at once. But my point is….

I don’t ever count the reserves. I don’t talk about it much except to bitch about it. Yes. I got promoted this week. I’m excited about it. Not because I necessarily want to be a 1st class (e6). I’ve always said and I still believe that 2nd class (e5) is the best rank in the Navy. You’re above doing the crappy jobs, but you’re below being responsible for the dumb stuff the junior sailors do. Right in the middle. I’ve actually been a 2nd class since 2010. 6 months before I left active duty, a young airman (e2) checked into my squadron. That guy is now my Chief (e7) in the reserves. To say my crows have become a little stale is an understatement.

I’m excited about it because someone else counted the reserves for me. They recognized that I have been in the same squadron, giving up an average of 1 month a year for the past 10 years, teaching people and helping out and fixing airplanes since 2011. They recognized the work I’ve been doing when I didn’t.

I didn’t count it because I got to spend what’s typically a frigid northern NY February in Key West.

I didn’t count it because I got paid way more than the $12 an hour I get being an electrician so I could catch up on my bills at home.

I didn’t count it because I got to get away from my shitty graveyard shift job in the desert for a while to fix airplanes and go back to my hotel on Atlantic Ave in Virginia Beach and fall asleep to the ocean outside my window.

I didn’t count it because I got paid to take a motorcycle safety course in California for 2 days.

congrats matt. you made it *this* far into a blog post without mentioning motorcycles.

I didn’t count it because I got to sneak back to my parents house on a long weekend because it was a 12 hour drive, not an $800 plane ticket to see them. (it’s literally the only way I got to meet my nephew)

I didn’t count it because I just got my heart ripped out of my chest and I needed to get away from everything in Nevada while I stomached the news that my ex cheated on me, left me in a desert alone, and then had a baby with the scumbag she cheated on me with.

Oh, and all that annoying training we get on the weekends? It’s helped me. I’ve been able to recognize suicidal traits in others that don’t get this training, I’ve become the guy who will not ever drink and drive or ride. And I’ve become painfully aware of how difficult it is to be a woman out in public alone. I hate to say it, but death by powerpoint has actually made me a better person. I doubt you’ll find many vets that will admit that.

Pain in the ass as it is, difficult and tedious and annoying as it is, the reserves have become a part of who I am, and as disgruntled as I may always be, “You can’t complain about being a Navy Reservist for the better part of 10 years and then tell me you don’t actually like doing it.”

I didn’t just get promoted the normal way, either. I was MAP’d, or Meritorious Advancement Program. Which isn’t me. Not at all. I had people above me who counted my time, and recognized me enough to fill out paperwork (good paperwork for a change 😂) and requested to get me instantly promoted, instead of waiting on an advancement exam. Its an insane honor, and as I explained before, I didn’t ever count my work I’ve done because I got just as much out of it as I put in.

As much as I enjoyed my cozy spot in the middle of the ranking system, I’m insanely grateful for the people above me who put me in for this. I see this as an investment in me, and I plan on repaying the favor by filling the shoes they gave me as best I can.

I don’t know how this is going to change the reserves for me. I don’t know if I will still be able to work on jets and check out from everyday life to go play Navy for a while, or what. If I had to guess, I’d say I’m going to get put in charge of stuff and people and things. I’m going to be responsible for people doing all the same dumb stuff I’ve been doing for the past 15 years.

I just looked at my calendar for the next…..forever. I’m going to be doing Navy stuff in one form or another straight up until Christmas, and 2022 is quickly filling up with USNR- related activities.

*if* my orders go through 🙄

Anyway. This is a better explanation of what “SOOOOOOO FUCKING GLAD I DONT HAVE TO TAKE THE EXAM ANYMORE ” means.

I have more big news to share, but it has to wait until Monday.

stand on it.